Cheney Emerges, Sees Shadow, Promises 6 More Years of Iraq War

chenyWashington DC – Former Vice President Dick Cheney emerged from his underground bunker after publishing an Op-Ed column in the Wall Street Journal amid an excited crowd of elite onlookers.  Secret Service agents quickly surrounded him and escorted him safely to the ceremonial podium. For the last 9 years Americans have anxiously watched Cheney’s behavior to determine if he can actually see his shadow. Tradition holds that if the former Vice President sees his shadow war will continue in Iraq for 6 more years.

As the Secret Service parted to momentarily expose him to the public it was evident that the pasty white old man did infact see his shadow. In fact, for the last 8 years the warmongering profiteer has seen a shadow or a resemblance of a shadow on the ground near his feet. Many of the corporate elite in attendance cheered and wept with excitement. Some dried their tears on $100 bills while others homoerotically hugged and pressed their hips together. The former Vice President then thanked the crowd for coming and popped a bottle of champagne. He raised his glass and said, “Here’s to another 100,000 or so innocent civilian deaths.” The crowd applauded and then quickly dispersed into their black SUVs and limousines for the traditional old people flesh orgy.

The former Vice President then quickly shapeshifted into his true reptilian form and slithered under a rock.

McDonald’s Introducing New ‘Point and Grunt’ Menu

Des Planes, IL – The world’s largest purveyor of fine processed foods has recently patented a new technique that may turn the fast food industry in its head. The patent solidifies McDonald’s commitment to cater to the lowest common denominator of clientele by removing the necessity of forming any recognizable syllable. Craig McCraigerson of McDonald’s technical response department admitted, “Many of our most loyal customers find proper pronunciation in any language a severe determent from visiting our locations a least 6 times a week. Often times our hard pressed staff is left grasping at straws trying to comprehend the constant raping of proper language. So we have patented a new ordering system that only requires a series of guttural grunts in order to communicate delicious menu choices to our well trained employees.”

McdonaldsMcDonald’s changed the industry in the past by offering a number selection menu where customers could order well over 3200 calories of processed farm remnants with just a single number or phrase in almost any common language. As the clientele of McDonald’s evolved it has become increasing difficult to force customers into uttering complete syllables like ‘one’ or ‘two’. The new system proposes a series of grunts and heavy breathing to communicate an order to the low paid customer service representative.

McCraigerson also stated, “While we understand our customers burn tremendous calories transporting their rotund physique to our stores, we do not wish any unnecessary waste of life giving caloric energy. We no longer force our patrons to expend effort with an abstract and archaic language when a series of grunts and wheezes could just as easily suit the job.”

In the newly proposed system a Number 1 Super Value Meal is now “ungh” or a grunt. A Number 2 Meal is now an “ungh, unugggghuh,” or a ‘grunt wheeze’ according to industry experts.

Cameras will be deployed at drive through locations in order to process the point and grunt technique so that the accuracy of patron’s orders will be properly addressed. The cameras will allow fat sausage finger gestures to accompany vocal cues for inarticulate consumers. “Any technology that allows me to avoid customer contact is fine with me,” stated 3 month retail veteran Miles Davis, “It will make our job much easier and I think the customers will be happier.”

The new procedures of ordering at fast food restaurants are not without critics. Prof. Theodore Uptightly expressed disgust for the new system stating, “The end of true language is at hand. The inability of the vulgar people to express even the most basic of human necessities is further reason to begin serving pure swill to anyone who cannot accurately describe what they want.” Some have called Uptightly’s comments as ‘rude and ignant’ (sic). In either case McDonald’s cannot be criticized for knowing its customer base and catering to the lowest rung of filthy human waste.

McDonalds has rolled out the new point and grunt menu system to select stores in the Mid-West, the Deep South, and San Francisco.

Michelle Obama-“Gastric Bypass for Infants to Nip Obesity in the Bud”

Mrs. Obama and the Surgeon General are ready to battle obesity.

Mrs. Obama and the Surgeon General are ready to battle obesity.

Washington, D.C. – In the wake of the chilling success of Obamacare, Michelle Obama has released details for a new program to help prevent childhood and adult obesity. At a news conference held in the wood shed behind the Washington Monument, the First Lady spoke on the issue of obesity. “We live in unprecedented times. The next few generations will have shorter and unhealthier lives because the average American is unable to control their fat fingers from pressing high calorie chicken nuggets into our ever-widening mouths.” Mrs. Obama said with the passion of a fat hating shrew. “Exercise? Forget about it. You ass hats can’t even be bothered to stand up from the couch and change the channel when the remote control is so far wedged between your fat rolls you can’t reach it.” Michelle was pumping 2 ten pound weights in each arm as she continued berating the massive American masses.

The president’s wife then introduced Surgeon General Rear Admiral Boris D. Lushniak, M.D., M.P.H, to further explain the new plan. He stated, “According to recent studies, childhood obesity is the leading cause of adult obesity. I can now say it is scientifically proven that once you go fat, you never go back. This epidemic will cause both medical and economic hardships for years to come because you fat lazy people can’t be bothered do a few sit-ups in the morning.” The Surgeon General ripped off his shirt revealing a sexy torso of smoothly oiled muscles. He then jumped off the podium and shouted profanities at a reporter who was slurping down a mammoth Big Gulp and cream filled donut in the front row. When he was pulled back on the stage he continued, “I may be a surgeon but, I am also a general. That gives me the power and the will to stop the rising tide of sweaty fat flesh that threatens my country. From now on, all infants and children will receive a mandatory gastric bypass operation. The operation will be performed by qualified medical students who need the practice or doctors where available.”

As questions and murmurs about the safety and feasibility of the program arose from the crowd, Michelle Obama pushed the ‘totally hot’ Dr. Lushniak out of the way and shouted, “You blubbery crap factories are going to have the fat cut right out of you and your children!” The Secret Service then moved Mrs. Obama to an undisclosed secure location due to the violent reaction from a nearby mob of Walmart Fat Scooter bound constituents. Further program details will soon be available on the Surgeon Generals website.

Christians Riot at ‘Son of God’ Premiere

Hollywood, CA-Police responded in full tactical gear as evangelical Christians began to threaten the stars of the blockbuster ‘Son of God.’ During a protest of the movie, violence erupted and spread into the street where several limousines were smashed and torched. An estimated 20 to 30 storefronts were looted and burned. The riot started as a peaceful protest by multiple evangelical Christian groups that felt that the ‘Son of God’ movie painted the Christ in a negative light. Preacher and used car salesman Jeremiah Smithson stated, “Our Holy Prophet depicted in this blasphemous film is wholly inaccurate and wicked. The Jesus in this movie repeatedly displays signs of horrific compassion, disgusting love, and terrible kindness. This is not my Jesus.” As tempers flared in the crowd, one member of the church group, the Judgmental Self-righteous, threw a rock onto the red carpet. He shouted “Death to the infidels!”


“More Accurate” portrayal of Jesus according to protesters.

As police moved in protesters clashed and initially pushed law enforcement back shouting “Jesus ‘loves’ you”, but used sarcastic quotation fingers when they said the word love. During an opening speech at the protest Clarence Touchingboy, a self-proclaimed pastor in his church stated, “While this movie is supposedly ‘historically accurate’ there are obvious omissions to try to humanize our lord. Where are the scenes of Christ berating homosexuals, protesting soldier’s funerals, shaming single mothers, and blowing up abortion clinics? That’s my Jesus. I want my Jesus with the flaming red eyes of hate and fangs. Not this watered down cartoon character.”

Riot police reinforcements were called in and the crowd dispersed at around 11pm. An estimated $7 million dollars in damages was left smoldering in the streets. The ‘Son of God’ movie pulled in $26.4 million dollars, a close second to Liam Neeson’s ‘Non-Stop’. Proving once again that Liam Neeson is greater that Jesus.

Keebler Elves Stage Walkout over Dangerous Working Conditions, Better Pay

Columbus, Georgia-The Keebler Cookie Manufacturing facility at 1 Hollow Tree has been temporarily shut down due to a labor dispute and walkout by the 12,000 elf employees. The teensy weensy protest started peacefully outside the company’s largest plant but soon erupted into cute little violent outbursts let by labor leaders, Zoot and J.J. Factory manager Ernest J. Keebler declined to comment on the protest but stated that he is working with union leaders to resolve the dispute. Zoot leader of the Keebler keeblerPizzeria Workers local #112 spoke out about the loss of Elvin life, “We have been placed under constant pressures for increased production and profit by Keebler’s parent company, Keebler Chemical Weapons Corporation. Our tiny wittle fingers are working as hard as they can but the insatiable humans demand more of our high caloric processed food.”

According to local miniscule police, the protest started at 8am with a walkout of all factory elves. The violence erupted after a harrowing speech by Fryer Tuck. He stated, “When we created Munch-ums in the early ’80’s, profits for the company soared. But, our pay has continued to stagnate and our health care benefits and access to magical healing elixirs have been cut in half. We shall not stand for this.” Parts of the Columbus Hollow Tree facility, were burned when 2 thimbles full of kerosene and a pop cap were thrown. Then thumb sized effigies of Ernest J. Keebler, Ma Keebler, and Former VP Dick Cheney were burned and tossed at the factory entrance.

So far no arrests with teeny little handcuff have been made and the tiny union reps insist that all the worker will remain united and on strike until their demands are met.

Pope Adds ‘Spoiler Alert’ Tag to New Version of the Bible

The Pope makes a rare appearance in non traditional garb.

The Pope makes a rare appearance in non traditional garb.

Originally published on December 20, 2012-Vatican City, Vatican – Pope Benedict XVI announced the release of an updated version of the Bible, last Tuesday.

Taking a break from giving excuses for past unconscionable behavior, Benedict announced the new version and discussed many of its features. The Pope stepped away from tradition by appearing in a black turtle neck on a stage with two white easy chairs and a large projected screen. The presentation began with a brief overview of the history of the book. Speaking through an interpreter he stated, “The bible is the best-selling book in history. In fact, last year, there were over 100 million sold. But we have seen stagnation in the features of the Good Book. So today I would like to introduce, the New Bible.” The audience fawned as a picture of a simple black book with no words on the cover appeared on the screen overhead.

The Pope then spoke about its new features, “We have simplified the cover so that it is a solid black single piece of leather; it is truly unibody construction. Our designers have selected the best paper for printing so that the New Bible is now 1.7 mm thinner than any other printed before it. It is also 28 grams lighter which, admittedly, dose not sound like much. But, when you hold it in your hand you will be amazed at the difference.” He then told the audience that it would be release March 14th. Immediately, the most faithful in attendance left the auditorium to go line up in front of churches to be one of the first to own a New Bible.

The Pope then revealed some of the new features inside, “While we left the contents the same, we did do some shuffling. Now, we placed the books in alphabetical order so that they could be found easier. Also for prophetic books, we added “Spoiler Alert” in red text for sections of prophecy that have not occurred yet. This is for the faithful who want to be surprised by the apocalypse.”

After the announcement, one critic panned the New Bible and said, “The Pope and company are just releasing the same dogma. It just has an improved cover and a few features. I mean do we really need a “spoiler alert” tag. I’ve never even opened my old Bible.” Another audience member complained, “The ten dollar price is not bad. But, I don’t want to get locked into a two year tithing contract. Especially with the weak services that my church has been having lately.”

The New Bible will be available on March 14th for Catholics only, on contract. But, it will become available to other faith carriers at an undisclosed later date.

Netflix to Resurrect Family Matters with Original Cast

familymatters2Hollywood, CA-What ever happened to Steve Urkel? Did he ever get that kiss he longed for from Laura Winslow? Did Carl ever get that promotion in his precinct? Would Larry and Balki ever join the show in a very special 1 hour Perfect Strangers/Family Matters crossover? Fortunately for long time Family Matters fans these burning questions and more will soon be answered. With the Emmy nominated success of new Arrested Development episodes, Netflix announced that it will be reuniting the original cast of Family Matters for an exclusive 13 episode season. Family Matter began airing in 1989 as a spin off to the ABC hit Perfect Strangers but to the pain and sorrow of diehard fans was canceled in 1998 due to dwindling ratings.

Reed Hastings, the Netflix Co-Founder, spoke about the challenges of bringing together the original cast, “Most of the actors were excited to reprise their roles in the long forgotten show. The last to join was Jaleel White who played the ubiquitous Urkel. He adamantly refused to come aboard and accused the original show of ruining his career. So, I took him to the highest point in Los Angeles and showed him all the kingdoms of Hollywood. I told him that if he did just one season for me, I could offer him all the benefits of true stardom. Then he agreed” Thus, Steve Urkel was born again.

When asked who would be reprising the motherly role of Harriette Winslow, Jo Marie Payton or mid series replacement Judyann Elder, Hastings said, “I can’t give anything away but both actresses have agreed to be a part of the new series.” He then hinted at a running gag of the actresses switching places mid scene.

The Netflix Original Series will begin filming this fall and is set to be released in the summer of 2014 on the streaming network.